Emotions, bah, who’d have them. Pregnant women apparently. I am not a hugely emotional person. I actually consider it a bit of an Achilles heel. It’s always led people to think of me as quite hard and frosty. Even my husband has said as much at times. At work it’s viewed as a strength. Personally I see it as both a strength and weakness. Despite what some people may think, it’s not intentional. I was built like this. A result I’m sure of my upbringing and life experiences which have created in part, this person that is expected to be strong and supportive. Never flailing, never cracking, never wavering. It’s hard for me to open up, to be vulnerable, to be emotional even though there have been many, many times when I wish I could. Even those that are headstrong and resilient want to, metaphorically speaking, be held sometimes.
Luckily since I’ve had the little lady I have quite visibly softened to those around me (I think). I like the change in me, it’s a good thing. But I’ll still never be the type of person that wears their emotions, or rather their heart on their sleeve. Which is why pregnancy just completely blindsides me. All of a sudden I have these emotional reactions that I can’t even explain or rationalise, like feeling teary and emotion from exhaustion from work or a little argument with the husband because he was being a douche. I have, so far during the 18 weeks of this pregnancy had two instances where I’ve felt completely overwhelmed by my emotions. One had me crying into a punnet of grapes, half hanging out of the fridge. The other very almost had me in tears too. I’m pretty sure that if I wasnt on my way into work then I probably would have lost all resolve and cried then too.
Then there are the days when I am incensed with rage for no apparent reason. It usually tends to happen on my commute into work in the mornings. Although to be fair, I’m sure most people are incensed with rage after a commute into London at the moment. But it’s just the littlest things can annoy me, like someone playing their music too loud, an inconsiderate person getting on with their backpack on or people just not moving down far enough into the train. Earlier this week I shouted at people to move down which is most unlike me, and I almost throttled the person with the backpack on with their own backpack! If my journey into the city was any longer than the torturous 20 minutes it is, I think I would explode. Instead I just make do with calling them profanities in my head which is almost equally as satistfying.
So I never quite know where I am, and pregnancy has most definitely left me wondering who I am these days. I guess my hormones are up, down and all over the place. I just hope they settle soon!
Have you experienced emotions and hormones like these? Please tell me I’m not the only crazy, hormonal pregnant lady!