Pregnancy: Im Working Through Some Things..

She Took A Deep Breath & Let It Go..

We’re on our way to our 20 week scan and I can’t help but feel anxious yet again. Will the baby be ok. Has it developed properly. Is it healthy? I have no reason to think otherwise, but I can’t help quell these completely irrational fears and anxieties. I don’t remember feeling this anxious the first time round. I thought you were supposed to be more relaxed after you’d had one, and in some ways I am, like I’ve talked about in my previous pregnancy posts but in many ways I also feel a new anxiety that I didn’t feel the first time round.

I’m hoping that after today’s scan it dissipates. I’m hoping that seeing the baby on the screen with my own eyes again will give me the reassurances I seem to need. I’m hoping that I can finally relax and settle into this pregnancy. But I don’t know, will the guilt ever go away? The guilt I feel for how this pregnancy started. The uncertainty and fear I felt when we discovered we were expecting this baby. This baby that I brooded about for over a year, but panicked about when it happened sooner than expected. A baby is such a blessing, and this baby is so wanted, but I feel a terrible, deep guilt for not being instantly and insanely over joyed. That feels like such an awful thing to admit, but I’m afraid that if I don’t, I’ll never move past it.

I should have been excited about creating another new little person. About giving the little lady a sibling. About extending our little family from three to four. About being so lucky and blessed to be able to conceive so quickly and easily. Something I know doesn’t come easily for everyone and I don’t take for granted. But instead I worried about the insignificant and the mundane. What will I do about work? What we will we do about money? Have we ruined not one, but two of our sisters summer wedding with our rather awkward timing? But as I already know, there is no such thing as perfect timing, and more importantly I really do believe everything happens for a reason and that this baby was absolutely meant to be.

So here we are 20 weeks later and halfway through this pregnancy,  half way closer to meeting this little person and half way closer to becoming a family of four. In some ways it feels like it’s been more of a journey than our first pregnancy was.

I got the husband to read this post because I was nervous about posting it. Nervous about how it might come across. How ungrateful I might seem. But mostly nervous about putting these things about our baby and this pregnancy out there for the world to see. Afterwards he asked me if I was depressed. I’m not depressed, but I do feel like I’m working through some things. Each milestone that has passed has been significant to me. Points of reassurance for my irrational thoughts and fears. First 12 weeks and now 20. The baby is fine. I am fine. We are fine. So its time that I finally let go of the guilt.

Best of Worst
Mummuddlingthrough
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28 Comments

  1. Kerry-Ann
    February 10, 2016 / 1:44 pm

    You are not alone! I had the same feelings with my second child. I felt guilty that I had somehow let Child #1 down, I was in the final 9 months of my Masters which I was going to have to postpone and then I felt guilty about feeling that way! Child #2 is now a pre-teen and I couldn’t be more in love with a child. Take your time, we all have doubts, fears and reservations and that’s ok. I wish you all the very best! #abitofeverything

    • My Petit Canard
      Author
      February 10, 2016 / 11:21 pm

      Oh wow, thats pretty amazing. I guess life just has a way of always working things out, thanks for sharing your experience with me. Its really reassuring πŸ™‚

  2. February 11, 2016 / 7:51 pm

    Hi sweetie. This sounds horribly familiar – after we lost our second baby, just after the 20 week scan, one of the hardest things was how terrible I felt about the beginning of the pregnancy. I spent the first trimester, and the ‘announcement’ stage grumbling about how I was going to cope, how it was a smaller gap than we expected etc etc etc. At our daughters funeral we played ‘Let her go’ by passenger, the words ‘ only knew you’d been high when you’re feeling low’ seemed so apt. Of course, in hindsight, all those things were so trivial. You aren’t alone in your thoughts, thank you for being brave enough to share them. x
    #coolmumclub
    MMT recently posted…#coolmumclub Linky week 16My Profile

  3. February 11, 2016 / 8:58 pm

    I really respect your honesty here. You are not alone! I was desperate to get pregnant but then had a complete meltdown when I found out I was expecting twins. Instead of celebrating this amazing gift (which it really is; they’re 20 months old now and I simply couldn’t live without them), I focused on all the negatives (like you; what about work? What about money? How will we cope?). I’ve lived with that guilt ever since. I wish I could go back in time and tell my pregnant self how I feel now.

    Just think; you get to fall in love all over again!

    #coolmumclub

    • My Petit Canard
      Author
      February 12, 2016 / 1:23 am

      I know and I absolutely can’t wait. I’m starting to slowly let go of the guilt now that I’ve written this post and it put it out there’s. It’s been hugely cathartic, and hearings others similar experiences like your own has helped too. The important thing is that you realise now and you are in a great place now so I guess like me you should try and let go of the guilt πŸ™‚ x

  4. February 12, 2016 / 8:02 am

    I understand this. We’re currently trying for baby number 2 and much as I’m desperate to get pregnant (forgot how stressful TtC is!) I also know that when (hopefully!) I’m finally pregnant I will experience a lot of the fears and worries you describe.

    I had PND so of course I’m going to worry about it returning but also I’ll be worried about how I’ll cope with 2, whether they’ll get on, how we’ll afford things etc.

    Frankly, I believe these fears may actually be MORE common second time around. Lets be honest – first time you are often in this little love and excitement bubble because you have absolutely NO IDEA how challenging parenting actually is! Second time around you are well aware so, much as you want the baby, there are bound to be worries and fears about the change and the challenges.

    Try to just live in the present and let the anxieties go. Guilt is the most useless of all emotions and serves no purpose xxx

    Well done for sharing this. If I ever manage to get knocked up again I will no doubt we feeling the same way soon lol! Take care x #coolmumclub
    Laura recently posted…The Evolution of the Post Baby RelationshipMy Profile

  5. agent spitback
    February 12, 2016 / 11:57 am

    Love this post! Thanks for sharing your thoughts! It is absolutely OK to feel and to express these feelings, we’re all human! #abitofeverything
    agent spitback recently posted…A bit of Everything Week 16My Profile

    • My Petit Canard
      Author
      February 12, 2016 / 7:58 pm

      Thanks lovely, that means a lot. Feeling so much better since I shared this post πŸ™‚

  6. Laura
    February 13, 2016 / 11:54 am

    I believe we all have guilt as parents over all kinds of things but it shows we care – imagine being really flippant about the effect on your daughter or your financial situation. Guilt is just a manifestation of worrying about the things that are natural to worry about in my mind.

    Of course, you then feel worse because of the guilt – and you’re right to let it go. But I wouldn’t say it’s entirely a bad thing to be feeling this way.

    It was hard to get excited about my 2nd as we had so much going on. Life is never slow with a small child (I have a little lady too) and it’s hard to find space to process but once baby boy was here I wouldn’t have changed him for the world.
    Laura recently posted…Activities: Home-made Valentine’s CardsMy Profile

  7. February 14, 2016 / 11:57 am

    I don’t think that’s ungrateful at all. It’s natural to worry about everything. I worried loads in my pregnancy, which was made worse by my having previously had a miscarriage, and by the stakes seeming so much higher due to my circumstances (as a single mum, with a baby conceived via IVF with donor sperm). When I read back over my posts all I see is worry and frantic googling about absolutely everything, which seems silly now but at the time it was all very real. Best of luck with the scan, and I look forward to hearing that it went well. #KCACOLS
    Min recently posted…Surviving Valentine’s Day as a Single ParentMy Profile

    • My Petit Canard
      Author
      February 22, 2016 / 10:17 pm

      Oh how tough it must have been for you to go through all of that on your own. I can completly empathise with the worry that you must have felt, I can only imagine how much more anxiety you must have after a miscarriage. I am hopeing that I’ve turned that corner and got through the worst of my anxiety now that we’ve passed the 20 week mark, had our scan and can finally feel baby moving about every day. I really want to try and enjoy these last few months, especially as this is probably our last! πŸ™‚

  8. February 14, 2016 / 4:54 pm

    I worry about no 2 and what the impact it will have on my daughter. I didn’t enjoy the newborn stage as much as 6 months plus (and that sounds sooo ungrateful) and I’m worried about lack of sleep again and fitting my exercise in (how bad?!). I reckon your feelings are completely normal. I think once you have seen the 20 week scan and all is ok, you may relax a bit and get excited! Fingers crossed and hopefully all will fall into place. Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst xxx
    Sarah Howe (@RunJumpScrap) recently posted…My Week at a Glance #36My Profile

    • My Petit Canard
      Author
      February 22, 2016 / 1:31 am

      I think we all enjoy different stages of pregnancy, and the first years of our babies lives to different degrees. That is totally normal too and not at all ungrateful πŸ™‚ I’m getting the sense that my feelings are pretty normal as so many people have said to me since reading my post that they’ve felt the same types of mixed feelings and emotions. Luckily im starting to come out of the other side and my anxieties are turning much more into excitement which is such a relief!

  9. February 15, 2016 / 11:09 am

    Your honesty is admirable honey – Don’t feel guilty, the feelings we experience through pregnancy are insane and mind blowing, working through it are the best we can do xx #KCACOLS

    • My Petit Canard
      Author
      February 15, 2016 / 9:38 pm

      Thank you, I was nervous about putting this post out there but I am so glad that I did πŸ™‚

  10. Tammymum
    February 15, 2016 / 12:17 pm

    You are definitely. Ot on your own here. I had a massive shock when we found out about 2 (baby 1 was only 4 months old!!!) everything crossed my mind and the guilt was horrendous. Especially as u sit here holding beautiful baby 2 now! So don’t beat yourself up, we’re all human and it all comes good in the end ! #KCAcols xx
    Tammymum recently posted…Let’s fly, up the in the sky, the whole family and IΒ My Profile

    • My Petit Canard
      Author
      February 15, 2016 / 9:42 pm

      Oh wow, I can imagine what a shock that must have been! The more that people comment on this post, the more I realise that it is a pretty normal and human experience to go through πŸ™‚

  11. February 15, 2016 / 11:22 pm

    This is such an honest post, thank you for sharing. How you feel is so natural. It IS different second time around because you know what is coming physically and emotionally. And that means all the worrying stuff as well as the good stuff. I don’t think you sound ungrateful at all..we struggled to conceive our first and fell pregnant with our second quicker than maybe we would have planned in an ideal world. Nature always has other ideas! I hope the scan went well and you feel a bit more reassured. Kathy xx #KCACOLS
    Kathy @ hopes, dreams and chocolate recently posted…My Lent ChallengeMy Profile

    • My Petit Canard
      Author
      February 22, 2016 / 1:27 am

      Thanks Kathy, as time has gone on I’ve felt more assured that sharing it was the right thing to do, plus it has really helped me turn the corner I needed to. There is definitely no such thing as perfect timing, but I guess knowing that and feeling that are two different things! I definitely feel like I am more at peace with everything and am finally starting to feel excited about welcoming our new little one into the world πŸ™‚

  12. ROBYN
    February 18, 2016 / 10:32 pm

    I HAD A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE WITH BABY NO. 1, WE DECIDED TO LEAVE THINGS TO CHANCE AND I REALLY WASN’T MENTALLY PREPARED FOR IT TO HAPPEN SO SOON. I DIDN’T ENJOY MY PREGNANCY AT ALL BECAUSE I HAD TO MANY MIXED EMOTIONS ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT I WAS ‘READY’. IF WE COULD JINX OUR PREGNANCIES JUST BY HAVING MIXED EMOTIONS ABOUT IT, THE HUMAN RACE WOULD HAVE BECOMES EXTINCT AGES AGO! I HOPE ALL THE LOVELY COMMENTS YOU’VE GOT FROM PEOPLE WHO’VE FELT EXACTLY THE SAME ARE ENOUGH TO PUT YOUR MIND AT EASE AND LET YOU KNOW YOU’VE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT πŸ™‚ GLAD TO HEAR YOUR 20 WEEK SCAN WAS ALL GOOD!

    • My Petit Canard
      Author
      February 22, 2016 / 1:23 am

      Oh thank you. You are so right. The mixed emotions can completely overshadow what should be and is an amazing and wonderful experience. I have felt so much more at ease since sharing my feelings in my post and hearing that I am not alone in going through this experience. I really do feel like I’ve worked through it and started to come out of the other side πŸ™‚

  13. February 19, 2016 / 10:43 pm

    Oh honey, you are so brave to write this post. I feel like i could have written so much of this myself. It is really hard to feel joyful when you are working through stuff. But you should not feel guilty. you love this baby more than anything. but it is hard to feel happy sometimes when you are worrying about lots of other things. and those things are important. i really hope that the 20 week scan went well and that you are beginning to relax now lovely. thanks for linking up with Sunday Stars. hugs Lucy xxxx

    • My Petit Canard
      Author
      February 21, 2016 / 11:12 pm

      Thank you, that really means so much and it is so comforting to hear that others have experienced similar conflicting feelings. I definitely feel so much better for having shared this post, and our 20 week scan was a huge turning point. I am starting to feel a lot more relaxed, settled and most importantly excited about welcoming a new little one into the world πŸ™‚ x

  14. Heledd - running in lavender
    February 20, 2016 / 4:18 pm

    To be honest I’m on my third pregnancy and can only say it gets worse! I’ve had so many more concerns and anxiety this time round. I wonder if it’s because I’m now more aware of all the things that can go wrong? I was definitely in a situation of ignorance bliss in my first pregnancy. Great post! #Sundaystars star of the week xx
    Heledd – running in lavender recently posted…36 Week Pregnancy Update and Baby HaulMy Profile

    • My Petit Canard
      Author
      February 21, 2016 / 11:07 pm

      Im so glad to know its not just me! I cant believe how much more I worry about this time round. It must be a case of ignorance is bliss the first time around πŸ™‚

  15. February 26, 2016 / 10:20 am

    i understand how you feel. i also felt like this with my second pregnancy. i think you worry more because you are overwhelmed of the whole situation. you don’t know how will be having 2 babies. you have one already and it wasn’t easy so how will you manage another one? will your first baby feel left aside? how will you do to divide yourself? money is always a worry and yes work too. i wasn’t working but i understand the feeling. all of this is normal. you just worry because you care. everything will be all right and you will meet your baby and fall in love so much again that you will feel all your worries were not necessary. i hope you can start enjoying your pregnancy now and start getting ready for that amazing day!! all the best for you. Thanks so much for sharing this at #KCACOLS. I would love to see you again on Sunday! πŸ™‚ x
    A Moment with Franca recently posted…Cushions WishlistMy Profile

  16. March 19, 2016 / 8:08 am

    Pregnancy is a very hard task for women but the happiness will come after baby born.I know the feelings though i am a brand new mom.in my cases I was overwhelmed by the situation but my hubby was careful about everything.He handles all situation carefully.My suggestion for all new mother that don’t is overwhelmed never.just take care you!

    • March 21, 2016 / 10:25 pm

      It sounds like you had a really understanding, supportive and lovely husband. Its so important to have that as a new mother and parent. It is an overwhelming, but wonderful time πŸ™‚

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