We’re on our way to our 20 week scan and I can’t help but feel anxious yet again. Will the baby be ok. Has it developed properly. Is it healthy? I have no reason to think otherwise, but I can’t help quell these completely irrational fears and anxieties. I don’t remember feeling this anxious the first time round. I thought you were supposed to be more relaxed after you’d had one, and in some ways I am, like I’ve talked about in my previous pregnancy posts but in many ways I also feel a new anxiety that I didn’t feel the first time round.
I’m hoping that after today’s scan it dissipates. I’m hoping that seeing the baby on the screen with my own eyes again will give me the reassurances I seem to need. I’m hoping that I can finally relax and settle into this pregnancy. But I don’t know, will the guilt ever go away? The guilt I feel for how this pregnancy started. The uncertainty and fear I felt when we discovered we were expecting this baby. This baby that I brooded about for over a year, but panicked about when it happened sooner than expected. A baby is such a blessing, and this baby is so wanted, but I feel a terrible, deep guilt for not being instantly and insanely over joyed. That feels like such an awful thing to admit, but I’m afraid that if I don’t, I’ll never move past it.
I should have been excited about creating another new little person. About giving the little lady a sibling. About extending our little family from three to four. About being so lucky and blessed to be able to conceive so quickly and easily. Something I know doesn’t come easily for everyone and I don’t take for granted. But instead I worried about the insignificant and the mundane. What will I do about work? What we will we do about money? Have we ruined not one, but two of our sisters summer wedding with our rather awkward timing? But as I already know, there is no such thing as perfect timing, and more importantly I really do believe everything happens for a reason and that this baby was absolutely meant to be.
So here we are 20 weeks later and halfway through this pregnancy, half way closer to meeting this little person and half way closer to becoming a family of four. In some ways it feels like it’s been more of a journey than our first pregnancy was.
I got the husband to read this post because I was nervous about posting it. Nervous about how it might come across. How ungrateful I might seem. But mostly nervous about putting these things about our baby and this pregnancy out there for the world to see. Afterwards he asked me if I was depressed. I’m not depressed, but I do feel like I’m working through some things. Each milestone that has passed has been significant to me. Points of reassurance for my irrational thoughts and fears. First 12 weeks and now 20. The baby is fine. I am fine. We are fine. So its time that I finally let go of the guilt.