To My First Child, I’m Sorry…

My Petit Canard - Daughter Image

To my first child. I’m sorry that lately my attention has at times been elsewhere.

I’m sorry that sometimes when you ask me to read a book and we are just about to sit down to start it I have to jump up to go and get your little brother who has just woken up.

I’m sorry that sometimes when you ask me to sit with you, you are met with the response that I will as soon as I finish feeding your brother.

I’m sorry that sometimes when you ask me to play with you, you are told that I will, as soon as I put your little brother to sleep.

I’m sorry that “one second” “hang on a minute” and “I’m coming” feature so heavily in my vocabulary now.

I’m sorry that you have watched more than your fair share of CBeebies and Nick Jnr in the last three months, although I do suspect that you quite enjoy it.

 

I’m sorry that you have had to grow up a little faster over these last three months than you would have probably chosen to and that now you

sometimes have to take yourself to the toilet

or brush your teeth whilst mummy tries to do ten other things at the same time

and I want you to know that I am very proud of you for being such a big girl

and for waiting so patiently.

 

I’m sorry that sometimes it takes me a really long time to get you your clothes in the mornings

and that sometimes you have to ask for your milk at least twice

and I’m really, really sorry that sometimes I take so long , you fall asleep waiting for me.

Those are the moments when my heart sinks and I really wish I could split myself in two.

 

I’m sorry if you feel you are second best these days, because I promise you you’re not.

You see your brother is very little and needs me an awful lot. He doesn’t understand that there are two of you and only one of me to go round.

It’s in these moments that I feel like I am failing.

That I’m not very good at this mummy job.

But I am trying my hardest

and one of these days I will get it all right

and no longer feel like I need to say sorry..

 

Mummuddlingthrough
My Petit Canard

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48 Comments

  1. September 29, 2016 / 8:25 am

    Beautiful post. And these emotions are so familiar. It is really hard having to decide which child needs you more at any given time. It is hard to be a good mother to both children at the same time. But I still wouldn’t change it for the world. Hugs Lucy xxxx
    Mrs H recently posted…We made Little Mister H – Introducing We Made MeMy Profile

  2. September 29, 2016 / 11:08 am

    Hi Emily,
    I remember feeling this way, seems like only yesterday. Kids are pretty resilient and it doesn’t stay like this for long…you’re doing all you can do so don’t beat yourself up too bad.
    Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub xx
    MMT recently posted…#coolmumclub Linky week 39My Profile

  3. September 29, 2016 / 11:21 am

    Aah I remember this feeling all too well! The only thing that got me through was endless games of Simon Says. At one point I remember playing a ‘game’ where my eldest had to run around in a circle whilst I fed her brother. That was a fun one…
    This too will pass! #coolmumclub

  4. September 29, 2016 / 7:36 pm

    Such a beautiful Post. Never be Sorry you are a fantastic and amazing mummy it is very hard to juggle everything and the oldest child does have to grow up quicker then they should but they become such a good role model for their younger sibling and it creates such a loving bond. Becoming a parent is the most toughest and challenging yet most rewarding role out there! There is no “user manual”

  5. September 29, 2016 / 9:35 pm

    This resonates with me as I have a baby too, so the ‘guilty’ feeling, or feeling like you’re not giving enough attention to everybody is really hard, and something I’ve been feeling a lot. I have four, so I try to use even small moments to really focus and be present with a particular child, and I think that helps. Its impossible to do much else but care for a very small baby, we shouldnt be too hard on ourselves Xx #coolmumclub

  6. October 1, 2016 / 10:15 pm

    I feel exactly like this right now with my almost 2 year old and her 5 month old brother. The first 3 months were the toughest, when she was a mere 18 months too. We’d be in the park and she’d want to climb the (highest obviously) slide at precisely the moment he’d wake up and start crying to be fed. So many moments spent saying just a minute. I’m ashamed to say I relied on the iPad as a babysitter during long feeds. But she loves her little brother and I know she’ll be grateful one day that the little brother who takes up some of her mum’s time now, will be her best playmate in years to come. #coolmumclub

  7. October 2, 2016 / 12:38 pm

    A lovely post although I without even knowing you in real life I know you’re not being a bad mummy. The very fact you wrote this mean you’re not. Your daughter will find moments hard I’m sure – she’s having to share you now. But she also loves having a little brother and that bond will only continue to grow. So don’t give yourself a hard time over it! #KCACOLS
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  8. October 2, 2016 / 7:41 pm

    Bless you. I often feel exactly like this but I tell myself it won’t be forever, it’s just where the two needs are so very different. Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday.

  9. October 3, 2016 / 5:44 am

    I’m already feeling a bit like this but am quite lucky as my girlie will bring her games to me and we can try and play if I’m feeding. I think when hubby goes back to work I’ll feel a little more torn as it will be more tricky. You always look like you are doing an awesome job lovely so keep going xx thanks for hosting xx
    Sarah howe recently posted…Piglet’s Birth StoryMy Profile

  10. October 3, 2016 / 6:39 am

    Lovely post Emily, this stirs so many similar emotions in me. It’s hard on the elder babies, they’re expected to understand and I can’t help but feel unbelievably guilty either.

    #marvmondays
    Emily recently posted…I’m Happy To Be A Working Mum.My Profile

  11. October 3, 2016 / 7:03 am

    Oh such a lovely post. It is such a struggle when you are struggling to balance the two children but it does get easier and your little girl will know how much you love her 🙂 #MarvMondays
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  12. October 3, 2016 / 7:18 am

    Aw, this is a beautiful post and I am sure it resonates with so many mums, including me. My girls are 9 and 13 now and I’m afraid it’s still a juggling act! I could write one of these posts myself…I’m sorry eldest for expecting so much of you and for forgetting to tell you sometimes how much I appreciate your help with youngest and for helping me around the house. #Marvmondays
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  13. October 3, 2016 / 7:45 am

    This is so touching and beautiful. I remember feeling exactly the same about Miss Tot when The Little Man arrived. I promise it does get easier in time, and in a a few months you will be able to watch them play together and you’ll know that you actually gave her the best gift in the world: a little brother xx #MarvMondays

  14. October 3, 2016 / 8:59 am

    Such a beautiful post. Even though my kidlets came home at 3 and 5, so definitely not babies, I do still feel the same when my daughter has to wait whilst I deal with my son. It can be such a struggle splitting yourself equally but then I watch them together playing so happily, and I know that actually they don’t hold onto it like I do and they love each other so very much! #MarvMondays
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  15. October 3, 2016 / 9:07 am

    Wow it’s like I was reading my own thoughts! I too feel awful that Amelia has to wait and feels as though her new baby brother Max takes up all of my time, and being super tired with a newborn sometimes it’s hard to find the energy to get up and go jumping and playing around so cuddles on the sofa in between naps seem like the only chance we get.
    This post made me feel pretty emotional with just how much I can relate and how much of an awful mother I feel most of the time. I’ve been trying to find the words myself to write a letter to my daughter expressing how awful I feel, this really helped 🙂 #MarvMondays

  16. October 3, 2016 / 11:06 am

    Aww I remember feeling exactly the same when No.2 arrived – nothing quite like Mummy guilt is there? Don’t worry it’s not forever I promise! x #MarvMondays
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  17. October 3, 2016 / 11:13 am

    This is beautiful and I very much feel the same now that baby number 3 has arrived! #MarvMondays

  18. October 3, 2016 / 11:44 am

    I only have one baby but me and my partner were only talking this morning about how will we feel if we have another. How can we possibly love another human being as much? How would we decide what to prioritise? As the youngest of three children I can never remember feeling like my parents love was not shared equally and I don’t think my brother or sister felt this either so please don’t beat yourself up too much.x

  19. October 3, 2016 / 12:23 pm

    This post brings back so many memories. I had so much mommy guilt mostly when I was pregnant with my second baby. My first born had a hell of a tough time when her sister came along. It will get better- promise 🙂

    #marvmondays
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  20. October 3, 2016 / 12:40 pm

    Oh this brought tears to my eyes. It is so hard. This is exactly how I felt when number 2 came along. It does get ever so slightly easier once they’re past the tiny baby stage, but 2 years on, and I still wish there was more of me to go around #MarvMondays
    Lucy At Home recently posted…Why We Won’t Be Celebrating Halloween This YearMy Profile

  21. October 3, 2016 / 1:11 pm

    This is so beautiful – it made me cry. I have three children and every day I feel that i want to split myself in three so that i can be there for all of them! The truth is that you are doing a fantastic job and this lucky girl has a baby brother who is precious. #MarvMondays
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  22. October 3, 2016 / 3:03 pm

    You are not alone, I think every Mum is guilty of this, it makes the first born grow up being very responsible which is no bad thing either. there are upsides and downsides to where ever you are within a sibling group. #MarvMondays

  23. October 3, 2016 / 6:01 pm

    I love the honesty of this post and the fact you’ve written it with love. I often wonder how I’ll cope with two but you do; as you are proving. You are an amazing Mummy (and blogger) and I’ve no doubt both your son and daughter would agree. Don’t dwell on the guilt, dwell on the fact that you’re an amazing Mum! xxx #MarvMondays
    Fi – Beauty Baby and Me recently posted…Our Holiday Diary… It Started So WellMy Profile

  24. October 3, 2016 / 6:30 pm

    Aww I think we all felt like this with our second babies, it’s inevitable that things change and it can take some getting used to. I felt awful for my eldest who had us to himself for eight long years, and then three babies came along in two years and he was suddenly at the bottom of the pecking order as the youngest three were so dependent on us. Don’t be sorry though, it’s all about adapting to a growing family and while you may feel guilty I’m sure that your daughter is just happy to have her little brother! #MarvMondays
    five little doves recently posted…Introducing “After School Club”…My Profile

  25. October 3, 2016 / 7:48 pm

    Such a lovely post! I’m pretty sure all parents with multiple children feel the same way! It was only last night we were having a conversation about the possibility of more children, Im still struggling to imagine how I could love another child as much as my first #MarvMondays

  26. October 3, 2016 / 8:15 pm

    This is such a beautiful post. I think we all feel like this when baby number two arrives, it can be so hard to juggle at times but it does get easier x
    #MarvMondays
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  27. October 3, 2016 / 9:12 pm

    Lovely post, and don’t think you are on your own with this as I imagine there is a collective ‘yes’ being said around the world by all new second time mums. Children are resilient and before you know it you will be playing on the floor with both of them, #MarvMondays
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  28. October 3, 2016 / 9:29 pm

    What a sweet post. I only have the one child but can imagine how emotional and difficult it must be going from one child having all of your attention, to them having to share with a new sibling. #MarvMondays
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  29. October 3, 2016 / 9:47 pm

    I have only one child and I honestly think this is one of the reasons I haven’t yet had another – I’m so worried that I wouldn’t be there for the little bot who has had so much of me for so long. I still don’t know if we ever will have a second, time will tell. You sound like you’re doing an incredible job, be kind to yourself x #MarvMondays
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  30. October 4, 2016 / 5:00 am

    What a beautiful post.
    We felt the same when my second was born, but children adapt better than us.
    My eldest has never felt resentment towards us or any of her sister (we have five girls now). She dotes on them and takes care of them in her own way.
    You are doing your best and that’s all that counts #KCACOLS

  31. October 4, 2016 / 8:24 am

    This is such a lovely post and made me feel a little emotional! I imagine it must be so difficult to have a newborn to look after as well but I’m sure that you are doing far better than you think you are. You are definitely not failing – the fact that you think you might be shows just how much you care x #Coolmumclub
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  32. October 4, 2016 / 10:16 am

    It’s so hard juggling two. You’re doing a great job.

  33. October 4, 2016 / 10:48 am

    Bless you lovely, it is hard isn’t it, I have totally been there and at times still am, it’s tough juggling! Thanks for hosting #bestandworst
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  34. October 4, 2016 / 6:37 pm

    I went through all of these emotions. Some days I still do. Being a mum of two is so amazing in so many ways but it comes with double the guilt. Your daughter will be ok. Soon she will have a little brother big enough to play with and maybe she will sit down to read a book to him instead.
    #KCACOLS

  35. October 4, 2016 / 9:06 pm

    This is a beautiful post and one that every mummy with a first child, and then a newborn must feel. Don’t feel bad, or feel the guilt. It will get easier I hope soon. Claire x #MarvMondays

  36. October 4, 2016 / 11:38 pm

    #DreamTeam
    I feel ya on this one. I make sure to let my daughter know that because she is older she gets to do things that the others don’t. Maybe stay up a few minutes later, the first one to do activities like dance, help pick out her own clothes, etc. I also tell her stories about when it was just her and how she is so very special to me because she was the first one to make me a mommy. She loves hearing those stories. She will appreciate the care you give her brother and will remember the moments the two of you are together way more than the ones where you feel guilty. Hang in there. Thanks for sharing this part of your life.

  37. October 5, 2016 / 12:16 am

    It is so hard at this point in the parenting journey isn’t it? Still I can promise that it will get easier. Hang in there. #TwinklyTuesday

  38. October 5, 2016 / 1:56 pm

    Captured my last seven months perfectly! And loved the bit when you said about them growing up a little bit faster, I have been astounded by how quickly my big one had grown up since his little brother arrived. Don’t be sorry, I’m sure your little girl is so pleased to have a little friend for life in her new brother. Don’t feel guilty and keep going with this juggling two malarkey! #marvmondays

  39. October 6, 2016 / 12:20 pm

    It left me teary eyed Emily. I was an elder one and felt too bad when Mummy had to attend him. I was so jealous of him that I told her to throw him and take me instead. SO possessive of me. Sometimes, I bother to think how will my Son react when he will get Elder tag. #MarvMondays
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  40. October 7, 2016 / 6:41 pm

    I think any Mum of two feels exactly the same lovely, I know I do. Archie is just adjusting to his little brother and he’s starting to get so much better and I feel so guilty for all of the above two. But we have blessed them with the best gift ever, and when their siblings are older, they will love us for it (hopefully, haha). xo

  41. October 7, 2016 / 8:12 pm

    Do you know, I was reading this sneakily while LJ was off playing. She came in and asked me something and I almost said ‘just two seconds’ but I stopped myself and shut off my phone. Coming back to comment now that they are all in bed to say thank you for making me remember that I didn’t need to make her wait – she has to wait enough as it is with me feeding baby so I don’t need to make more reasons. xxx #TwinklyTuesday

  42. October 8, 2016 / 10:00 pm

    Oh lovely, this is beautiful – I really feel everything you have written here. When Emma was born, this is exactly how I felt for my stepson…so guilty for having to divert my attention elsewhere. But remember it does balance out after 6 months or so and you are doing an amazing job as mummy. Thanks for linking up to #dreamteam xx
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