I’m not going to lie to you. There have been multiple times during my maternity leave that I have questioned whether I am doing the right thing. Whether I have been wasting precious time on something that may not amount to anything more than a sordid little affair.
Is it worth it? Will I look back and regret it? Am I doing it for the right reasons?
These are some of the many questions that I have asked myself over the last few months. Bloggers paranoia. That’s what I’ve come to call it. This paranoia and guilt over the precious time that I choose to spend blogging in the little spare time that I have, often late into the night.
I guess you have to ask yourself why you started in the first place. Was it to document the precious moments of your little family as it grows? Was it an outlet to share your worries, vent your frustrations and ask all those random questions that you were too scared to ask an actual person? Was it to get rich quick, for the freebies or the pipe dream of doing this as a career?
Time and time again I find myself coming back to this question. Am I wasting my time? I ask myself. I ask my husband hoping that he might have the answer to the question I know he can’t answer. It’s the guilt. The guilt of not spending every single second of my time breathing in my little ones like I feel I should be. After all, I wouldn’t be here on maternity leave if it wasnt for our littlest one.
I have always lived my life with the mantra no regrets. It is one of my guiding principles. I make decisions and choices on that basis, and to this day I only have one regret in my life and that is one regret too many. So I look at my blog and I ask myself whether I will regret devoting so much of my time to blogging or whether I would regret it more if I didn’t. It’s a difficult question. One that I can’t answer either. So I go to my gut. My instincts. What feels right? This feels right. Doing this right here. Sharing my inner most thoughts, questions, worries. This is why I started. How I started. To ask questions to things I have no answers for. To mull and ponder over everything, and anything at ridiculous times in the night when the world is asleep and in the day when the world is at work.
This is the place I come to when I have something on my mind. The place I come to when I am sad and need to write. Its the same place I come to when I am excited and need to write. I need to write, and so I guess that is my answer right there. I can’t imagine not writing.
There are times, moments when I cannot get a blog idea out of my mind. I literally can’t shake it, and I become like a woman possessed. Completely and utterly obsessed with getting it out of my mind and onto my screen, desperately snatching and sneaking moments whenever and wherever I can, sometimes to the absolute frustration of my poor husband. I will lose sleep over it, I will lie over it, I wont eat because of it. Which I know sounds absolutely crazy, but I genuinely don’t mind and don’t care. It’s what you do when you find your passion.
Liz Gilbert recently talked about this in her book Big Magic, which by the way I absolutely recommend to anyone who blogs, vlogs or has any type of creative bone in their body. She talks about how being creative and falling in love with your work akin to having an affair and you know what, I think she’s right..