I need to come clean. I have a problem. A serious problem. I am the world worst procrastinator. Like literally THE WORLDS WORST. I mean I’ve always had a problem with procrastination but recently it has become so bad it’s debilitating.
I’ve been a procrastinator for as long as I can remember, gosh that sounds so serious doesn’t it, but it really is. So over the years I’ve developed coping mechanisms that help me battle through the worst moments. They usually tend to go something like; procrastinate, procrastinate, distract myself with alternative meaningless unimportant task, realise the deadline has crept up on me, crap myself, finally do the task that is never as scary or big as it was in my head, breathe a sigh of relief and berate myself. I’ve always said that I work really well under pressure which is true, but when I sit down and think about it, it’s because I usually put myself through unnecessary pressure that I wouldn’t have to put myself through if I got my act together.
Now, I’ve read many books and articles on procrastination which I’m sure most of us know has a root cause of fear. This makes complete and absolute sense for me on the work front, I mean no one wants to make a mistake or screw up at work so its only natural to find procrastination here. But I really struggled to understand why procrastination was suddenly starting to show up at home too, and then I realised why.
Being back at work, I am subconsciously conscious (is that possible?) of just how little time we have together as a family. So when we’re together I want to make sure that we are making the most of our time together. That in practice for me means using every spare moment we have to do fun, interesting and educational things. It means making sure that I am showing our little ones the world, teaching them about life, introducing them to new people and places and making sure that they get to see their favourite people, family, friends and the people who matter. I am so conscious of wanting their lives to be full, happy, fun and fulfilled that I feel this pressure, which admittedly I put on myself to make sure that we are not wasting a single moment.
Which leads to days which are becoming worryingly frequent, where I can’t make a decision until the nth moment. Overwhelmed by all the choices, all the possibilities and all the potential outcomes I find myself closing down and not doing anything instead until I am absolutely forced to or someone else makes the decision for me. This happened when trying to book our holiday and when I was trying to decide what to do for the little ones birthdays. It happened again recently during the summer holidays and is happening whenever and wherever there is a decision to be made concerning family time.
Its like normal people have FOMO (fear of missing out) and I have FOWD (fear of wrong decisions), yes I just made that up. But seriously, its true. I think I am so scared of making the wrong decisions that I’d rather not make them at all. Like sitting on this 99% finished post for two weeks because I couldn’t quite write the perfect ending, or sitting on our edited holiday video for over a month because I havent been able to find the perfect music for it. Those are two perfect examples of the extent of my procrastination which are both absolutely ridiculous.
But a wrong decision is most definitely better than no decision at all. So its time to put on my big girl pants and make some decisions, starting with posting this finished, but not perfect post.