It’s all so final. Are we really saying that’s it? Never again? That we will never again welcome another being into this world. Never again hear that first cry or another person call us mummy and daddy? I mean after our little guy arrived I said that I felt complete, that our little family was complete and that hasn’t changed. I mean I can’t imagine doing it all over again. I can’t imagine adding a 3rd baby into the mix. At least I don’t think I can.
Especially when we’re just about to reach that stage where life is about to get a teeny bit easier. A little less overwhelming, a little less frantic and a little less chaotic. I can almost feel the internal sigh of relief that we’re finally here. That our little boy is starting to take his first steps of independence. By no means is he able to do anything for himself, but he also isn’t completely reliant on me doing everything for him.
Now he goes to a childminder five days a week, he feeds himself (and usually the floor at the same time), he holds his own milk cup at bedtime and is able to take himself to whatever toy or place in the house that he wants to go to. He is growing into a fully fledged toddler right before our eyes and those baby days are an increasingly hazy and distant memory.
So as I tell the Mr and everyone around us that we’re done. That we won’t be having a 3rd baby. But as we start to sell the baby stuff that we never sold the first time around I can’t help but feel a pang of sadness that we’ll never be doing it all over again. As much as I say that I’m done with the baby days and as much as I look forward to getting some me time back again (eventually), there is a part of me that hates the finality of it all.
I just find it so difficult to say that we’ll never have another baby. That I’ll never grow another human or be pregnant again, or feel those first tiny flutters and kicks. Give birth, breastfeed and have a newborn. Yes the whole first year is exhausting, and yes I swore to myself that it was the last time for good reason, but it’s still sad to think about it.
I’m not saying I want another baby and I’m not saying that our family isn’t complete. Goodness knows that my heart is full and that I cant wait to have a bit more freedom and control of my days as our children get older. I’m just saying that I never expected to feel this weird bittersweet confusion and sadness. Maybe this is normal, maybe it isn’t. Either way it all just feels so final.