Last night I went to bed at 9.30pm. I don’t remember the last time I went to bed that early. Probably in my first trimester. After having my whooping cough injection yesterday afternoon, come early evening I was feeling like I’d been hit like a bus, physically unable to keep my eyelids open by the time 9pm rolled round. A coincidence or a side effect of the jab, who knows. But waking up this morning I felt like sleeping beauty waking up from a long, deep slumber. Although there were one or two trips in the middle of the night to the kitchen for a drink and then the toilet, so it can’t have been that deep a slumber. But it was definitely enough that I felt rested.
Waking up this morning has been a revelation. It feels like a huge fog has shifted from above me. Because with the third trimester has come tiredness, uncontrollable hormones and what has felt like pretty grey days recently. Which have been compounded by increasing comments at work about how big I am getting and a rapidly shrinking wardrobe of things that fit. I don’t remember it feeling this hard the first time round. There are days when I genuinely want to hide myself away. But despite still feeling huge, despite still having nothing to wear and despite being regularly kicked in the ribs, today I felt something resembling happiness for the first time in ages, and joy. Joy at seeing the beautiful morning unfold. The joy of feeling the beautiful sunshine warm my skin and the joy of feeling joy. For the first time in ages I smiled from the inside, sang from the heart, laughed on the way to work and felt refreshingly carefree.
So what has changed overnight? Nothing, other than I had a proper nights sleep for once. So is it that, or is it that I’ve reached some invisible milestone within my subconscious on the countdown to finishing work and meeting this baby? I genuinely have no idea. But I wanted to capture this moment and this feeling as its been so long since I’ve felt this happy for no reason at all. Being in my own little bubble of happiness is a lovely thing and I really hope that the grey cloud doesn’t return any time soon, because for the first time in ages I can see how blue the sky is and I have to say, it’s pretty beautiful..